Thursday, March 5, 2009

Real spending With Imaginary Money

"President Obama unveiled a $3 trillion-plus budget plan today that he says will halve the federal deficit by the end of his first term." — CNN, February 26, 2009.

Thus begins the change regime. One needs to possess serious oratory skills to get away with using 'trillions in spending' and 'cutting the deficit in half' in one sentence. But then oration and ambition are two attributes this President does not lack.
However, if you are still skeptical and annoyed then this candid White House email is just the thing you need to be convinced.

Dear Citizens,

A lot has been made of our massive spending proposals and how we will incur more debt than ever. These so called critics lack the intellectual vision that the President possesses. Allow us to address some of the more controversial and expensive aspects of the spending proposals.

- We must pour billions into education. So what that we do not have a concrete plan to go about it. No Child Left Behind was a concrete plan and you know how the President feels about that. This time it is money first, ideas later. Same goes for healthcare.

- The country is in dire need of big infrastructure projects including a rail from Orlando to Vegas. There is no better way to teach people financial discipline than giving them easy access to roller coasters and blackjack. After all it is only $5 billion of Chinese money that doesn't even exist yet!
- Going with our general theme of throwing money, billions of dollars in contracts to fund Green initiatives is only natural (or green?). Even though they might fail and most of these contracts might go to Al Gore's pals, it is in the interest of our planet.

- The President railed against Bush for expanding domestic spending but now it is necessary. When we do it, it is justified. This time it is for long term prosperity and not some short term gratification.

- A few millions here and there on acutely important projects like volcano monitoring, grape genetics and catfish study are a necessity. Surprise volacano eruptions have harmed a large number of grape eating catfish recently.

- Please do not worry about accountability. We have appointed all kinds of czars in the White House to do just that. Of course this would mean that the people who are supposed to be held accountable, will be monitored by people who serve the same people that came up with the plans that need accountability in the first place. Get it?

- Yes we are semi-aware that as soon as Bush left office, Pakistan released A Q Khan and signed a deal with the Taliban. North Korea moved missiles to launch sites and Iran fired a satellite. We have addressed these developments by dispatching an army of envoys to all hotspots. History has shown how effective envoys can be. Between the czars and the envoys, we have it all covered.

In addition to the above projects, we also have plans to cure cancer, eliminate global warming, provide universal health care and fight two wars. Leave the how to us. Details are overrated anyway.

Still concerned? Please tune in to the next speech by the President to allay your concerns. A mix of subtle condescension, gentle coaxing coupled with slight fear mongering packaged in an avalanche of words delivered with an evangelical flair will no doubt you completely.

Thank you,

The Office of President of United States


* We do understand that we can't even figure out if our nominees paid taxes or not but we plan to track every dollar of the trillions we will spend.

* Unemployment is on the rise and the stock market is approaching zero but we believe base appeasing reversals of Bush directives on abortion and the environment are the priority.

* The stimulus package is not a trillion dollar hookwink - it is a journey that is best experienced blindfolded. Follow the President into the light.

* Remember if it fails, it is Bush's fault for making us inherit this mess. However, if it succeeds, it was the President's vision.