Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Satire: The Great Obama Sale

Welcome Voters!

It is the great Obama Sale! You are guaranteed to find something for everyone. We believe in pleasing everyone so come on in!!


Against NAFTA?
Then you will be happy to know that our candidate has all intentions to end NAFTA if it isn't renegotiated to get you your job back!
If you are not in a state like Ohio then rest assured! We're sure that by now you've heard of our (wink-wink) conversation with the Canadians. Nafta is not going anywhere - so relax!

Against Telecom immunity and terrorist surveillance?
Our candidate has said that they shouldn't be given immunity and we need to end warrentless wiretaps. So we will roll back the Bush tactics.
Worried we won't monitor terror communications?
Well our candidate did not show up to vote for the FISA bill so take it easy; we are not really against the FISA bill either! (wink-wink).

Want our troops out?
Our candidate showed amazing judgment by giving a speech in Chicago against the war! He has promised that troops will begin pulling out almost as soon as he takes office. So our troops are coming home and who cares what happens in Iraq after that?
Worried Iraq will fall into chaos or that al Qaeda will take over?
Fear not! We will send our troops back into Iraq if that happens. And who gives a damn that al Qaeda is already there?
To let you in on a secret - we aren't really going to withdraw too much. But we hope you understand that we have to say that to get elected! And we can always hope al Qaeda and the Shiite militants just go away.

Want an end to partisanship?
Our candidate's whole platform is based on that. He will end the bickering and make everyone come together. Believe us - it's a promise he intends to keep.
Part of the liberal Democratic base?
We are on your side! Our candidate isn't really going to work with Republicans on contentious issues. His idea of bipartisanship is making everyone go along with his view. And think about it, would you still support him if he had actually worked with Republicans on controversial issues?

Just look at John McCain - his party's base hates him because he worked with Democrats. Our candidate has the support of every sub group of the Democratic Party - does that happen with someone who is willing to break with his party on some issues? (wink-wink).

No Health Insurance?
Obama to the rescue! We will provide everyone a government run health care plan. Yes the same government that can't even handle toll booths efficiently will be responsible for your healthcare needs! We believe it is the best way.
There is a $4000 tax credit and low interest student loans for you if you vote for our candidate.
Senior Citizen?
There are additional medicare and prescription drug benefits for you if you vote for us.
Middle class family?
Don't worry, your taxes are not going up. We will only raise the taxes of your employers and other rich folk. How dare they get rich?!

So shoppers, in this leap year we ask you to make a leap of faith and support our great candidate.
Official Obama Cult Members get 15% more of their wishes fulfilled!!


  • We urge you to ignore our candidate's judgment of entering into a transaction with indicted political fixer Tony Rezko.
  • The Canadian memo was not supposed to leak out.
  • We do not take into consideration that threatening to end NAFTA unless its renegotiated to our liking will set a dangerous precedent where Canada and Mexico can threat to opt out unless the agreement is negotiated to their liking.
  • We also do not take into account that illegal immigration will increase ten fold and Mexico's economy might collapse if we withdraw from NAFTA.
  • We know there is no real evidence of bipartisanship, but when he is the President, Obama will work with everyone. You will just have to take our word for it.
  • We do not take into account the logistical and military nightmare it will be to take American troops out of Iraq and put them back in on short notice when Al Qaeda resurges.
  • We do not believe your small business employer will lay you off if his/her taxes go up. Economics is just not our cup of tea.
  • We have no real plan to pay for all our big programs for students, veterans, seniors, universal healthcare, etc. But with a 'Yes We Can' attitude we just might figure out a way.
  • Our promises are not necessarily binding and we reserve the right to 'change' our minds on them as we see fit politically.

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